What I Wish I Knew When I Became A Mom of Teenagers

In the last year, since joining PlayWellMinds, I have spent a lot of time learning about teenagers. About how the brain works. About the teenage brain, specifically. 

I knew the teenage brain was still developing- but I didn’t comprehend just how much it is actually developing. While learning, there were several times when I thought, 'huh, I wish I understood that a few years ago'….

So, in case there are some soon-to-be-parents-of-teenagers out there, I’m sharing what I wish I knew at the start of my own journey with teens.

Starting with some of the science (from a non-scientist, so bear with me ;-)

• ‘Teenage rebellion’ has legitimate biological routes (it’s not all about you - the parent!). And actually, it’s not really rebellion!

• The limbic system - the impulsive side of the brain - that controls emotions, pleasure, and social interactions, is ramping up... becoming overactive and reactive - literally making teens feel emotions more intensely (they are not just acting!), as well heightening their need to fit in and gain approval, which can lead to behaviors like blindly following TikTok trends or taking risks to impress others.

• The frontal lobes of the brain - the cautious side of the brain - are still playing catch up and lack full neural connection to the rest of the brain. So, the part of the brain that helps with judgement, decision-making, impulse control, and planning for the future, is not fully developed yet.  Meaning, teens literally do not have the full capacity to make thoughful decisions and consider long-term consequences. Especially rapid decision making.

• Teen brains are actively seeking out new experiences and have a heightened sensitivity to rewards, which can make them more likely to engage in risky behavior, especially if it feels exciting or rewarding in the moment. Teens feel a greater sense of reward from the increased levels of dopamine.

• Teens need 8-10 hours of sleep a night. Melatonin is released significantly later in teens than an adult, which actually makes it harder for them to go to bed early and wake up in the morning.  (Still not sure why school hours haven’t adjusted at all?!)

• Teens basically have one job - to learn. And, all their experiences are contributing to learning. Some of the things we perceive as ‘negatives’ can actually help them to learn. Negative emotions help you stay away from it the next time, where positive emotions will reinforce a behavior, making you likely to repeat it.

• Teens can learn (and unlearn) faster than adults because they build synapses (connections in the brain) faster.  They can soak it all in and what they learn can be remembered longer.  But there is a potential downside too - it also makes them more susceptible to stress. To alcohol and drugs.  And can get addicted harder, faster, stronger than an adult.

• All brains, but especially developing teen brains, have a negativity bias. I won’t try and explain the science, but the impact it has can be widespread.

• They often feel misunderstood. And don’t always understand their own behaviors and feelings.

In short, adolescents differ from adults in the way they process, behave and make decisions.

So, how does knowing this help us? I’ll give you a few hints - shifting mindset, increased curiosity, empathy and role modeling. More to come on that soon....

(The book “The Teenage Brain”, by Frances E. Jensen, MD was one of many enlightening sources if you are interested in reading more).